Momma always told me death comes in 3's.

I'll never get to see you again??? EVER?!?!?! Nooo, REALLY?? NAH. I'll see you again SOMEtime...right?!?

but I can see you so clearly in my mind! I just can't believe it happened.

Kind people lost way too soon- Steve's dad, Joellen, and Denise.

Only my belly can tell what was in the middle.

I thought the black sticky rice pudding with mango sauce and strawberries was the best dessert ever invented but today I found a new competitor- stuffed figs dipped in chocolate! MMMMMMMMMMMMmm.

I don't know what was stuffed in there exactly. Some sweet gooey stuff and nuts. and THEN dipped half way in chocolate! I devoured the 2 of them too fast to get a good look inside. Pure Genius. and they're a fruit so it's alright I ate TWO, right?

Hey you, FREAKS! Come over HERE!!!!

Plenty of people have asked me for food before. Usually I don't have any on me and when I have extra food I have to look for someone to give it to. But this was the very first time that someone asked me for food I was in the middle of eating!

I noticed her when she was standing in front of a table where two boys were seated, drinking a packet of pancake syrup. I stared as she drank the whole thing down. I think that's when she spotted me. I went back to eating and didn't notice her again until she was walking right up to me. She said "Can you spare that sandwich?", and pointed to the half eaten one on my plate. I could only just sit there and watch her put her backpack on the table, reach in, and pull out a styrofoam plate! She went to hand it over to me and I said "No, that's my lunch." She grunted and walked away.

Guess she was determined to get something out of me because she returned a few minutes later holding the plate out to me again. She said, "Well, can you spare any CHANGE?" I reached into my pocket and, making sure I didn't get any quarters, pulled out some change and tossed it onto the plate next to some other coins. I told her "You know that there are tons of places in the city to get free food."
and she said "No there's not."
"In the east village theres tons."
"but that food's not healthy."
"It's probably healthier than this fast food crap."
She didn't bother responding and continued on her rounds.

As I started to pack up my stuff I noticed all these people laughing and nudging the person next to them and pointing towards my new friend. I turned around and saw that she was holding her own little karaoke session and singing the words to 'Here's Where the Story Ends*' into each fry before she popped it into her mouth.

I didn't finish my drink and thought to offer it to her. I was afraid she might throw it at me or something weird so I just left it on the table and left.

I walked to the train station, got on the L and looked up to see some homeless looking guy pulling all this cash out of his pockets and dropping it on the ground saying he doesn't need it. Guess I'll have to save that for another day. Jeez.

*song by The Sundays.

STOP right there, Elina!

Um,pleeeze don't read this. I love you dearly and am honored you'd even THINK about reading this but when I got home and read my last entry...(HUGE CRINGE!)...

Your image of me will forever be tarnished! You're too wholesome for my disgusting blabber.

Why don't you look at something on EBAY instead? Pretty please?

Holy Shit.

In all my 31 years, I do believe that I have never created and expelled a shit as long as the one that was staring back at me just now from the 3rd floor women's toilet! Yup.

I give thanks to all the delicious Korean food that has been put in front of me this past week. I do believe that because of you I was able to enjoy a memorable moment in my shitting herstory. Amen, hehe.

The Toy was my favorite movie

for the longest time. I remember staying home from school and watching it over and over. Somehow it was always on.

Thanks Richard Pryor for making jokes that were so funny I could watch them again and again and they would make me laugh everytime!

that little fat bastard

mouse who's been living in my walls woke me up this morning with his loud nibbling! Lucky for him I got distracted by the huge snowflakes falling outside my window. I pulled aside my curtain to see everything covered in white- the first big snowfall of the winter! Huge snowflakes were falling and glistening in the early morning light. Ahhhhh....then I heard more nibbling! I reached under my bed and grabbed an empty plastic box and threw it at the corner where I heard the mouse. Quiet. I laid my head back down and pulled my comforter back up to my chin. and that fucker went back to nibbling.

Whoa Dude, WATCH it!

damn people who are too busy staring down at their cell phones to look where their walkin'!

teehee...Marc Summers just walked into me...if only I was still 12, it would have been the best moment of my life.

Snoring away

the day...the calm in between the storms can be so refreshing. I feel really great and soooo chill. Shit is working out in the craziest of ways; its so incredible. It'll take alot to wipe this smile off my face!

Thought the effects of this absinthe would be more dramatic though. Just feels the same as smoking a big fat one. Made me want to laugh, clean, write, and scream all at the same time. fun, fun.

The room is spinning

and I can't breathe and ooh my head is just aching...

I recall riding on top of a shopping cart across Ave A, leading a shirtless guy around a bar by a belt he had tied around his neck, an unlocked door on 9th street that lead to a rooftop, pool balls, German beer, a warm snuggly boy in a grey hoodie, lots of laughter, a fight with a big bouncer, AND even the cab ride home! Just wish I could remember how many beers I drank to get this nasty ass headache. Ugh.

Sometimes I just don't understand

why computers do certain things. Sometimes I'm staring at mine with such frustration! Why is it so hard for me to explain to it what I need it to do??

Cooking is contagious

maybe I'm starting to learn something! I made some kick ass pesto sauce and bruschetta from scratch. Too bad it wasn't anything that would go with the killer habanero sauce we made weeks back- I only have like 5 TONS of it....

Drinking too much coffee

gives me that 'woa, woa, woa' feeling like a whippit. Gotta walk it off and visit some people in the neighboring pods...

Is anyone even reading this


Thinkin' I should make a commitment to update this thing while I'm at work everyday but then I might be on a path to getting F-I-R-E-D!

You lucky jobless bastards!!!

ummm, this job is sooo fun.

Dude, I totally just rode the elevator with Rachel Ray. Yah, huh.


changes people. Eww.

what i want to write about i can't write here

I feel so stressed with everything that's going on. Most of it is good so I will enjoy it eventually but right now it feels like chaos. If I smoke weed I just get sleepy, paranoid, or forgetful. Its the most accessible solution but it doesn't quite cut it.

There's nothing like

enjoying delicious food and kind company. Really can't think of a better way to relax than to sit around laughing and stuffing my mouth with yumminess. Been doing more and more cooking and eating lately and its goooood.

I slept and slept and slept

and now I can barely wake up.
I've been working like a maniac for months just catching sleep where ever I can. I'm a great fan of naps but I just needed to sleep until I couldn't sleep anymore. So:

I went to sleep last night around midnight,

woke up around 8am this morning, peed and drank some water, went back to bed.

Got up at 12:30pm, wet my crazed hair down and brushed my teeth, walked the dogs, peed, went back to bed.

Woke up at 3:40pm, ate left over salmon pasta salad and drank water, peed, went to back to bed.

Woke up at 5:20pm, laid in bed, got up and peed, got a cupcake out of the fridge, ate the cupcake in bed, went back to sleep.

Woke up at 7pm, laid in bed, made 1 phone call from in bed,crawled out of bed, rubbed 2 dog bellies, peed.

I think I'm gonna go lay down....

My ass crack

always seems to be creeping out of my pants. I'm infamous for it. My friends make jokes and claim to see it on the regular. I never really thought I offended any one with it but the other day I was called out by a complete stranger! I'm still not sure whether to be thankful or annoyed.

I was sitting on the stairs at the L train platform pulling and tugging at the zipper on my purse trying to stuff way too much in it. Some kid (a kinda cute, 20 something, hip hopper) came up and whispered through the railing:

"Hey ma, your pants."

Me(with a slight scowl): "What?!"

"Ma, pull your pants up. Your ass crack is hanging out of your pants"

My defense: "Look at yours!"

(he had on super baggy pants held up by a belt tight around his hips. Which of course means that his would be hanging out too if he didn't have his boxers pulled up out of his pants and up to his waist!)

I know this because he matter a factly pulled up his shirt (long enough to be considered a dress) to show me how he's "got a belt on."


I'm so beat.

I adore working at the food network but it's exhausting. And it doesn't help when I barely get any sleep (oops).
Yesterday I even got to meet and get my picture snapped with some of my favorite people and ELMO! It was like a childhood dream to see the work that goes on behind the scenes at Sesame Street. Elmo was cooking with Emeril and Telly was banging on some percussion with the band. The rehearal was especially hysterical and the sound guys were playing it over and over today.

We got invited to the set in October when they're filming next. All over that of course! Someday I'll follow through with creating a show with puppets, people, animation, education, and dirty jokes. Something crossed between Sesame Street and the Simpsons. Mixed with Family Guy and Nightmare Before Christmas and Avenue U. Yeah, SOMEthing like that. Dare to dream!

Um, THAT's mature!

It's too bad all you suckas had something ' more important' to do.

Left alone together on Coney Island and Karen and I created a day of sheer indulgence only a 12 year old would envy. We spent every penny we had eating disgusting food and terrorizing ourselves on astroland rides. You missed out on the salsa cheese fries and beer, raw clams and beer, pistachio-banana twist (softserve!) ice cream, pizza, and buttered popcorn!
Well, the clams and beer were kind of grown up...Anyway, we had a blast as usual running around half naked and drunk on the beach throwing each other around in the waves and getting caught in the seaweed. We screamed on the cratchety old wonder wheel (non stationary car, of course!) and walked to the end of the pier and watched the drunken locals scooping up fish and crab.

Ah, A purrrrfect summer's day!

Got a love-hate relationship

with my ghetto 'hood. I left this morning hating it cause I had to argue with a drunk guy who stumbled after me for 2 whole blocks on my way to the train. He insisted that because I was "a hippie" that I MUST smoke cigarettes therefore I MUST have matches on me and that I was being a bitch and just not giving him one. It was super annoying. He followed me and went on and on about it. Even tried to bring some homeboys into it telling them that "the hippie girl is mad cause I asked her for a match." I had to resort to telling him to fuck himself and leave me alone. Not a very clever response but he was too drunk to have appreciated one anyway. UGH.

BUT tonight when I got back home I couldn't help but fall in love again. The hydrants on two different streets were bursting with water, kids were running around screaming and giggling, family's were camped out on the curbs in lawn chairs, and it felt like home on the southside.

I made a kick ass mix cd today

for my good friend Paulywog. Of course I am probably getting more enjoyment out of it than he ever will but such is the case with mixes. I have so many great ones on tape that people made for me and unfortunately a few that didn't survive all my moving but I remember them fondly. I saw a cool book about the history of mix tapes which looked really rad. What great days. I have to say though I love making them on a computer now because I can spend more time obsessing about the order of the songs cause I can listen and swap them around so easily. Hmmm I wonder if Kenny just hates the haircut or forgot that I traded it for a mix tape! HELP, I need NEW MUSIC!!!

It's hard not to lie

to little kids sometimes. They just catch you off guard with some weird question that leaves you speechless.
My friend told me that her 3 year old daughter grabbed her husband's pants at the crotch and said "Oh you have something in there?" Where do you go with that??? I really would love to know if she believed him when he responded "No." I'd like to ask her what she thinks he's storing in there.

The other day the 2 year old I babysit discovered her SHADOW! It was such a trippy experience for me to try and explain what it was and comfort her when she cried and tried to run away from it. TRIPPY.

I think I've got a good one.

I have to make a million lists these days in an attempt to take care of all my business. But awhile back Karen was kind (and concerned enough) to me make a super important list. I've re-edited it a few times and I think I've managed to come up with a good list that also serves as a checklist for potential dates. Its quite thorough and funny at times but it's serving me well. Someday soon I'll post it here for your amusement.

I'm making a list, I'm checking it twice...

I'm so freaked out

by building fires! I saw one up close for the first time today and it wasn't pretty. There were all these flames roaring out of the second and third floor windows and fire engines were screaming and blackened windows were crashing to the ground. Scary and so sad.

It is one of my greatest fears in life to be ravaged by fire and I hope by talking about it I'm keeping it further away from me and not attracting it. It's just a true tragedy. You can lose everything you own. If the fire doesn't destroy your stuff it's done in by the firemen doing whatever they have to do.

*Sigh* I really don't think anyone got hurt in that blaze but my prayers go out to all the people that lost something personally valuable to them today.

Never been

called a Primadonna before. And even the teacher openly confessed that it was both a good and a bad thing. Hmmmmmm, I THINK it was said with mostly good intentions. I found it amusing either way and it was one of the first times that I was singled out like that and didn't turn as red as my nailpolish. Movin' on up.

The way to find inner peace

is to finish all the things you've started. True, so true.

SKool!, knitting my sweater, updating my blog, defrosting the fridge, returning phone calls (if I haven't gotten to you yet, please don't fear), responding to mail of all forms, sorting thorough my photos, making my little zine-y thing. Think that's a good start! or conclusion depending how you wanna look at it.

There's a river of people that runs past my eyes

It's beautiful enough just to watch it go by.

Strange folks from my past are just popping up everywhere. As close as cousins even. It's all adding up to something interesting at the least. I'm freaking out but I'm having sooooooooo much FUN.

You spin me right round baby,

Right round, like a record baby, round, round, round, round.

Whooooeeeee! I'm holding onto my head so it doesn't get knocked off my shoulders every other minute. Seems like every corner I turn there's some interesting creatures from my past rearing their heads wanting to jump back into my life. It's been pretty laughable but really intense. It's one of those times when I finally had to resort to looking up the astrological conditions for the day cause I know there's just HAS to be a reason for all this craziness. And surenuff it was a full moon! So don't forget to SWING OUT SISTA! HAHAHAhaaaaaaaa.

Sure hope noone chokes on their spicy peanut curry

at Jon's party on Saturday night, but if they do, I'm READY! Got certified in CPR and AED today. Yup, they say I can shock ya if you consent. Scary huh? I kinda hate learning safety stuff cause it reminds me how really bad things sometimes DO happen.

I'll see it again. and again with you.

I have to apologize a billion times to Vanessa cause I did that shitty thang where you make plans to see a movie with someone and then go see it with someone else first. UGH. It's lame. It was a last minute decision and we only got there in time to snag up 2 of the last 6 tickets for the midnight show. But anyway, SORRY! and I'd love to go again with you.

It's too early to say much about it cause I wouldn't want to ruin it for anyone by giving away any details. But I don't often think it's worth $10.75 to sit in the dark with a bunch of stinky people while I shiver and my ears bleed from the excessive A/C and surround sound but this time I think it's worth every penny.

GO SEE WILLY WONKA and tell me what you think!!!

Poor, Poor Mr. Bigtoe.

Hmmmm, never really knew that one could walk INto a sidewalk. But, yup, a nasty old and busted up Brooklyn sidewalk gave my big right toe a good beating. He leads the way even when my eyes aren't really paying attention and he felt that concrete in a serious way! DAMN. It's kinda puffy and painful all over but I don't think it's that mangled inside. SIGH. Have to keep my eyes from wandering off so far ahead of me sometimes.

I know I'm not the only one

that gets alittle too paranoid sometimes and believes that the server at a restaurant squirted some jiz in my food. Right?? Well, I don't think the Baskin Robbins guy was quick enough to do it to me today but the marshmallow swirl in the Thunder and Lightning flavor was definitely THE most suspicious cum like substance I've ever eaten!

I fucking LOVE my new job,

picking my nose, and running into long lost friends on the train!

It's been 3 days straight

of BBQ, lawn chairs, bare feet, sunburn, sprinklers, squirt guns, beer, veggie dogs, burned marshmallows, potato salad, lightning bugs, good friends, cute boogas, hash cookies, fat joints, giggles, rooftops and fireworks. yeah boi!

I was lost but now I'm found.

I was blind but now sweetie I see. What a fabulous couple of weeks it's been!!! Action packed fun and adventure. I fuckin' LOVE you guys! and I feel so blessed to have played my little part in this brilliantly hysterical creation. *place SUPER HUGE SIGH here* Can we do it again real soon?

I don't really want to risk my integrity in exchange for some good fucking.

When people don't treat me the way I want to be treated I get this flare up in the back of my eyes that screams- DESTROY! Extra hard to control if I'm in a vulnerable state of drunkenness or exhaustion. It even kind of amuses me in a frightening way like "whoa, I can't believe I WANT to do those things." It happens most often towards people I resent in the first place. Hmmmph. The fuckin' wasn't that good and I hate hanging around people that bring this out in me.

Let's talk about shit, baby.

I'm horrified that so many women find it embarassing to talk about shitting and farting. Some say that they don't even LOOK at their poop! No wonder people have so many digestive problems. And anyway, it's definitely high on my list of funniest conversation topics. I can't imagine having missed out on all the hysterical shit stories that I've heard and told so far in my life.

And so you know, the doctor says a healthy poop should be shaped like an S or a banana and come out all in one piece. Yup.

Alley cats are no joke.

Last night in my neighborhood I finally had to cross the street because I was too scared to walk past this cat that was in our path. Its friend ran under a nearby car when it saw us but this badass hung around to kick some doggy ass. It arched itself up and hissed as it advanced aggressively toward us. All my noises and stomping, not to mention that my dog is at least the size of a pig, did nothing to intimidate it. I've never seen anything like it before. It wanted nothing else then to rip out our eyeballs-SCARY!

So you want to be a rock superstar.

It's surely a very noble ambition. I have to say though that I don't know if you should be working so much on your autograph just yet, but thanks in advance. I think we're all secretly hoping that this video will be our break into the world of fame and fortune so I guess we'll just wait and see.

I think I got some color today.

Not more ink but rosy, sun kissed color! I remember promising myself that I'd spend more time outside this summer and now I have the perfect opportunity to. AND I'm getting paid to do it. Can't get better then that. Got to get me some cute, comfortable, airy shoes though cauuse between the heels yesterday and the sneakers today my dogs be barkin'.

You're so damn sexy!

Even when you sleep, your snores sound like the soft, strong purr of some wild cat. Too bad its yet another case of bad timing! Woe is me.

Blow, blow, blow!

Awh yeah, my blow outs are getting soooo good! I said blow OUT, sucka. I can get that hair lookin' smooth and shiny with volume, mmmhmm! I was so depressed the other night when I blew out my mannequin's hair and it was all flat with the ends flying all over the place. But after Raymond gave me alittle lesson and lent me his brush, whoooo!

YUP, I'm convinced

my bed is a cockroach superhighway! This morning I woke up because a cockroach was running up my neck and ACROSS MY FACE!!!!! Good god!! It's so unbelievably disgusting! I started suspecting it about a week ago when I lifted up the covers to crawl into bed and a roach was running across the mattress towards me. Ugh. We all laughed when Ms. Keiko told us the other day that she can't sleep without underwear 'cause she's afraid of a bug crawling up you know where. It my be a legitimate fear after all. Grrrrrossss!

PHEW! Moving is hard work!

Its such a great time to get rid of things that are just sitting around taking up space and collecting dust. The last time I moved I got rid of sooo much shit I was clinging on to. It felt great and I'm glad to be starting my collection again and doing it slowly and carefully. I'm so glad to see my apartment filling up with furniture that has survived many days and many owners. There's something so much more grounding about using solid old furniture rather than crap from Ikea that's on the brink of falling apart from the minute its put together. Happy Housewarming!

I'm back muthafuckas!!

Miss me??? You'll never tell, I know. Glad to be back even though I think I got alittle more round around the middle here but it's cool. It's all been yummy and well worth it. Soon I'll have a pannis of my own, Vanessa!

Secret's out

I'm in BEAUTY SKOOOOOL! I confessed to a friend I ran into on the train last night cause I felt silly trying to act all mysterious about why I have no free time. It may already be known the way things go around me but I'm giving the info out freely now. I feel good about it and I've been in it long enough and having enough fun that I finally feel confident that I'm not gonna, well, y'all know the tune. I'm sure some eyes are rolling as they read this but what can I do...Done coloring, some braiding, cutting, and I'm working on nails, facials, and make-up. So if you wanna let me practice.......AAAOOOW!

Drank whiskey

and giggled alot. Danced around, smoked cigarettes, and talked about racism and homophobia. PHEW, and I was still able to get up on time and keep up this hectic routine. Yay, me!

So much love

to spread around. and I didn't remember how much fun I could have wearing gold sparkly lipstick!

I heart you. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Camera, bad.......Cupcakes, gooood!

Buzz kill.

I knew it was going be a trying day when the first millisecond of a perfectly good morning orgasm was interrupted by the sound of my screeching alarm clock! grrrrrr.

Oh yeah

and I finished reading Cryptonomicon. The last 200 pages made it all make sense so I was tempted to start at the beginning again but it's not the most convenient book to carry in my bag for reading while commuting. I'm passing it on to Jon for now and finishing this book about tattooed chicks.

Hey Now

quit tryin' to make me hang out and have fun! I got important shit to do!!! Oh, no.

I wish everyday was like Sunday!

I feel soooo relaxed. Healthy and well fed. Soft, smooth, and unknotted too. I need to dedicate more days to pure indulgence like that! Hmmm, what do I have lined up for NEXT Sunday?!?! ha,ha.

It really bugs me

to think that you are reading this and makes me not want to bother writing.There's alot I want to say but don't want you to hear and it's so annoying to have to censor myself. Time is ticking quickly by so I assume I'll just keep getting over it. And you.

Snow Day!!!

Finally some fuckin snow up in this place! ha,ha. It was a fabulous day! Spent just the right amount of time running around in the snow, laying in bed, chatting, and reading a great book. So glad I got off early and had hours of unexpected leisure time. YES! A SNOW DAY!!!!

I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.

All in my shoulder bag: Wallet, Change purse/metrocard holder, cell phone, 3 pens(green, blue, and black), plastic knife and spoon, Cryptonomicon, a mannequin head, 24 cupcakes, and Betty Crocker rainbow chip frosting!


HAHAHAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! *SIGH*

Been losing sleep over some dumb shit

It sucks on so many levels. I have to let it go but it's especially hard when I am embarassed in front of my own self. All I can do is accept the anxiety it makes me feel and let my brain take the time it needs to sort it out. I am so happy with so many aspects of my life right now so I can handle it in stride. It makes sense that things like this are surfacing. I am dealing with so much that I've ignored for so long so as one issue falls off the list another one surfaces. Its all good. I hope I can let it go soon though cause I'm so beat. I know I'm certainly someone who holds grudges- even against myself. Ugh!

When someone dies

it either brings a family closer together or breaks them apart. (At least that's what a friend told me.) I can see how it can be a time to re-evaluate and review all the wrongs that have been done to each other. I've been doing that alot lately in general but right now it's hitting really close to heart. Time isn't slowing down for me so i'm shovelling through the shit as fast as I can. After death I'm not going to get too many answers so I have to make appointments to run down my lists of questions NOW.

Had a great night

last night hanging out. I'm thankful that there's still alittle time in this hectic schedule for sitting around the kitchen table tossing up ideas for shit we're going to be working on in the next few months. LOOK out!

Thought I'd let you know

that Grandpa Lyons passed away at 5:30 tonight.

I think the last time I saw him was when I was in my early teens and went with my aunt and uncle from long island to his retirement home on their yearly visit. I don't remember much except that I never asked to go back.
I'm not so offended that I heard about it from a lousy email. I really don't care that much about his death. It just reminds me how emotionally incompetent and inconsiderate my family is.
There's so much hatred in our family and from what I can guess, alot of it came from this man. My grandmother left him, his children hated him (except maybe the ones who made their yearly visit to make sure they were still included in his will), and he spent the last part of his life being shipped to different homes because he couldn't behave himself, whatever that means.
When my grandmother died everyone took as much money and stuff as they could and openly admitted that they despised each other and never wanted to speak again. BOOM!!! This time I don't think there's much to fight over so all this will go down without including me.
I just wonder where this mess began and if it will ever end. I don't even know how to touch it. Why did we all fall apart? I can't believe that in 4 generations of us no one has any idea how to put this family back together again.

Thank you, I had a nice time.

Really, really I did! But lately, I'm trying to keep things real simple for myself and not waste time trying to find reason in everything. I just enjoy whatever and whenever I can. I have alot of trouble trusting in this world with all the bullshit flying around but I can at least recognize this truth in myself: I know that whatever this is between us will continue to disappoint me.

back in touch

with a few people that have been missing from my life for awhile. it's great to hear your voices again and know that I still relate to you in a very intimate way. It's nice to be reminded of my past especially at a time like this when I'm trying to sort out my life lessons and make sure I'm feeding off the postive aspects more than the negative ones. Thanks for still being my friend after years of growing up and all the bullshit it entails. So glad to know that you're doing an amazing job of surviving this life and contributing all the beauty you do.

Happy fuckin' new year!

Shit, its the new year and I'm sitting here crying 'cause MC Hammer preached in church and renewed Vince Neil's faith in prayer! How twisted and touching. Agh, I'm totally addicted to the Surreal LIfe in all it's brilliance! Anyway, this year's going to kick my ass like all the rest of them have but I'm letting myself have a blast so I'm looking forward to it. Everything right now seems so hysterical to me. I can't take anything too seriously. It's all coming and going way too quickly to waste time with that.